For day 2 of #23daysofgratitude I’m grateful to be part of the 6% who survives. And the even smaller percentage who survives without disability. (For those of you who feel lost at this point, see some of my earlier posts about this year’s experience).
I’ve been feeling so much guilt over that this year. After all, whose place did I take? How many others had to die to create that statistic? Why am I – out of the over 371,000 other people per year who DON’T make it – still here?
I’ve felt an enormous amount of pressure to make it all mean something. To make my presence here WORTH something. To earn my right to have replaced all those other people by still being here. How could one person possibly make up for all that loss?
I’ve been really unfair to myself honestly. The truth is, I could never make up for it all, never replace, never truly earn my keep as it were. The pressure to have purpose is too enormous of a burden for one person who’s been through what I’ve been through to bear.
What if my only purpose in this life is just to live?
Today I’m thankful for walking the path towards forgiving myself for things completely outside of my control. For accepting that maybe, just maybe, I deserve to be where I’m at. It’s not always easy but I know it’s necessary if I ever hope to move forward and I’m thankful for my never-say-die perseverance towards that goal.